Sunday, September 18, 2011

Remember, no matter how bad things are at any one moment, no moment lasts. good or bad, time moves on because it has to. And so do you.

Well hello there people. :) Just here for an short entry to make this blog more lively... I can't disappoint my daily readers too tho!

Some pictures of me first, took on school's learning journey to the museum... Was bored, well the people I didn't expect to go to the learning journey went to the learning journey heh, don't care.

Well I have got some of my class photos(SAMPLES)... Let y'all take a look at it. ^_^

Okay, I know it's super blur but bear with it... It's too small! :(
Exams are around the corner, you guys out there work hard and strive for the best results... For me, I will be mugging everyday and will bury myself with books aye! hehehe. Goodgirl97
I have got a lot of things in my heart that I want to say it out here. IT'S REALLY BUGGING ME.

I sometimes really really don't feel like being in this world and in my family. I often asked myself and God, "Why do I even exist?"... through this 13+ years of my life, I have been through a lot of pain. Well not including when I'm still a baby sucking on milk bottles~ I often want to go back to the times, when I'm young and still don't know anything about love or even everything. It won't kill me or cause me to have heart breaks. And even though life have ups and downs, there is still one guy, one man who is always there for me when I needed someone.

Yes, he's my boyfriend, Damien Lim. Although we always quarrel over small little things because of my sensitive and selfish attitude, but our relationship so far have been really very good. Nobody is there to stop us to be together anymore. And our school is also not tearing us apart, I'm really very lucky to have him. I know a lot of you guys will say he's even more lucky to have me, but he's very different from other guys. He's such a sweet and cute guy that I can't resist. All of you must say that I'm all over him and am very obsessed over him. Yes, I might be crazy... but I can't help it.

Well, for people who I did share with or the close friends who know me very well, they would have known that I’ve been suffering from some family problem since years ago, ever since I was young. I don't only face stress in my studies and friendship with friends, past hurtful & disappointing relationship and also family problem as well... I often cry so badly, I really cannot stand this house and really sometimes I can just move out~ Yes, I have told my friends about it, my friend knew how I felt as she also experienced the same things. Sometimes I hated my mum so much that I even wonder am I really her real blood daughter. She invades my privacy by look at my text messages with my boyfriend and my friends, insults me when she is angry at me. And always nags at me whenever she's having pms. I really don't understand her. I know she's doing all this for my own good... Let me tell y'all something, when I was P6, I got home real late and I didn't even send her any texts about where I am, when I got home, she took the chopper and chased me, thank god I have my sister to stop her if not I will be dead by then, I was super shocked. I always tell myself do she even care? Does she even spare a thought for me? Does she even respect me? Does she even love me? What am I truly in her eyes? She treat me as a gems in her eyes or just a piece of trash? I doubt, I wonder, I am confused. Yes she is very good to me, spend money on me and gives me allowance which can satisfy me. I am really happy about her doting on me, but she always use those kind of method which really pisses me off when she gets angry or even when I did nothing, she blamed me... I know all of you are gonna say like I'm bad about saying my mother, but if you were in my situation, you will really feel the same way like how I felt. I'm sure one of my really very best friend understands my feelings because we always share things with each other. I have got this feeling, that I will very soon die from all this stupid things that caused me to be curious, confused and mad. I really hate it when she reads my text messages... and she even read it out for me loud enough to make me get even more angry. Every single things I do, she always blame me for the things I’ve done. She said something which is very hurtful to me and even till now, I still remember every single thing she did or say to me. It seriously impacted me very deeply till I really don't know whether I can still be her daughter or not. She sounds like she is trying to tell me that I am a burden to this family. Why must she always me hurt again and again? She often insults and criticise me on the things I do. I always don't meet up to her standards and whatever I do, won't please her.
I blame myself for being such a failure as a daughter of hers, I even cried in front of her and tell her how I really felt all the time when I'm in this freaking house. She compares me with other children which make me feel so lousy about myself. I was thinking, what is so good about her then? If she herself is not that perfect enough, who is she to judge me, to judge my capability? Instead of giving a kind support to me, she makes me feel even lousier of myself.

Dear mum, I know you are having a lot of troubles and headaches because of me. and I really felt guilty about it. I'm sorry that I have always let you down by doing all those mistakes and creating troubles for myself to be in. I am really really sorry... I know by apologizing won't make anything better. I want to be a perfect girl in your eyes, I don't want all those quarrels anymore. I'm sick and tired. I promise you from now on, I won't disappoint you and I will be a good girl who studies for her own good and for her own career next time. I'm sorry to embarrass you when your friends asked you about my results. I'm sorry for shouting at you. I'm really sorry... I know you have got a lot of things to do and you have got a lot of things to settle and your work to do, and I just keep on creating troubles to make your headache go even worse, I promise you I won't let you down and give you anymore trouble. I know you regretted giving birth to me, sometimes I even think to myself, why you give birth to me to let you suffer so much? But no matter what, your my mother I have to accept all this facts. I love you mum. I LOVE YOU.

Okay bye xoxo! done with the rants!